Wednesday, 29 June 2016

Dear President Juncker.

Bonjewer John Clawed,
I thought it may be useful to your impending negotiations to offer you first dibs on a few "surplus to requirement returnable items" found here in good old blighty & all available at "fantastique" knock down prices.

Our first offering is:

Lead Free Solder

The british railway modelling fraternity has approximately 60,000 reels of absolutely useless lead free solder,,, that is "sans plomb" in your parlance. Believe me we have all tried,,, but to be frank it is to soldering what good old Nigel is to diplomacy,,, my personal stash is virtually brand new and really is looking for a submissive new home to reside in.

Our second offering is:
Millions of straight banana's,,,
I am sure it has proved very useful in enabling your many owners of banana boats "dans le cont-in-aunt" to cram a few more in to swell the Bruxelles [thats Brussels in our parlance] but once again despite several concerted efforts to accept these tasteless articles I am sad to inform they were solidly rejected by our all inclusive primate focus group based at Whipsnade Zoo.

Having carried out a full and detailed market survey I can also report that a butchers shop "somewhere in the south of England" has started trading again in lbs and ounces. & thats "up yours" in our parlance.

I also have a little investment tip for you,,, and that is tea towels,,, we are going to need lots of them now we can clean beer glasses properly again.

Please don't lose any sleep about dropping the English language from your kaleidoscope of foreign tongues,,,, to be brutally frank you never really got the hang of it anyway.

All the best old partner,,, oh and by the way,,, watch your back.

PS: We are doing a steamy little bash at Basildon this weekend so please drop in if you can find the time during your very busy schedule.

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